by Sherri Goodman
Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
It’s a mantra that you’ve probably heard before: Love will find you when you’re least expecting it or you’ll find “the one” as soon as you stop looking. You might write it off as an old wives’ tale, but there’s definitely some truth to the saying.
There are two factors involved.
The first has to do with your focus. Chances are that the time you usually would have spent focusing on finding love, you have been distributing that time into other places in your life. It may have resulted in you spending more time furthering your career, working out, engaging in or finding new hobbies, and even bettering the relationships with your friends and family. The added attention to these other areas of your life are likely to gain some pretty positive results.
Earlier this year Adam & Eve asked readers a simple question on their blog: “Would you go out with yourself?” Think about all of the benefits you could get from redirecting your attention. Every reaction to spending more time on yourself makes you that much more attractive to a partner. By furthering your career, you can become more financially stable. By spending more time at the gym, you can be healthier in addition to all the other benefits of exercise.
Spending more time on your hobbies allows for the potential to meet new people and will surely make you happier, and more well-rounded. And of course, the more time you spend improving any relationship, the better you can be for future ones. You’ll be more confident, self-secure, and open to new changes in your life.
The second factor is less tangible, but just as important.
Sara Eckel wrote an article for eHarmony on the subject, the main message of which asked, “How could you possibly convince another person to fall madly in love with you if you don’t first think you’re worthy of this affection?” Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. Everyone has their flaws and quirks, but everyone also has things about them that are beautiful. However, some people allow the inner-voice of their low self-esteem to convince them that they have little to nothing to offer to a partner.
This steers them to get less than they deserve in relationships, resulting in unsuccessful matches and more failed relationships. Eckel says, “You don’t have to think highly of yourself in order to “love yourself.” All you have to do is be kind to yourself, and that’s quite easy.”
The Huffington Post contributor Daniel Scott says that it’s a matter of building yourself up. “Instead of spending all your effort on building a crystal pedestal for someone else,” Scott writes, “why not take the time to enjoy the view for yourself?” He goes on to note that “there are wonderful people aplenty out there who could easily be the one with whom you share the wealth.” However, it’s important that you are able to be completely happy alone before you “plan on making them happy.”
As said before on Talk to Amber, building yourself up allows you to be more capable of helping others. When you’re tired and depleted, you’re more likely to be irritable, and less motivated to put your energy towards other things. If you’re happy with yourself, you’ll attract similar happy and confident people—perhaps even people that you never would have met otherwise.
Overall, the better place you’re in, the better person you’re likely to find. Even if you’re skeptical on the idea, you should still give it a shot. You might find some new amazing person or realize just how amazing you are yourself. Stop looking outward, and start focusing within.
Sherri Goodman is a writer with a zest for all things related to health, sex, relationships, and popular culture. Read more of her posts here.